Sunday, June 1, 2008

Why Sleep When You Can Hallucinate

I, like a million other Americans, have a sleep deficiency problem. In most cases I believe it is due to some sort of stress related issue, such as school, work or life. My sleep cycle revolves around 3 hour increments. Sometimes I can sleep a while longer, but usually I sleep, toss and turn and then, wake up maybe, look at the sky, and then back to sleep. In most cases I could go to bed for 12 hours and receive about 6 hours of sleep in total.
This sleep deficiency problem may have a direct connection to a my secondary sleep issue I possess. I am awaken to these sorts of attacks that begin while the body is still sleep, but the mind is almost fully conscious, it’s sort of a trance state of consciousness. There have been claims of this sort of sleep related issue in many cultures. Apparently, it may have something to do with evil or the evils that embody someone.
My attacks, in general, are the same, but do not poses the exact same characteristics as those that are described by other people who have the same problem. For instance: Many occurrences of this phenomenon described by other cultures mention the feeling of a being on their chest, or as if something is holding them down upon the bed or floor that they lay face up on. And apparently being face up sleeping is the reason this attack occurs to the many it people it does happen to. I once had an attack , though, where I was in the fetal position, I had a very hard time breathing as I was unable to adjust myself and could only see dead in front of me. The few times I was unable to document, when it began to happen, that I was sleeping face up I had the feeling of being lifted off the bed, and a sort of ripping out of my soul.
The best way to describe my attacks, if you’ve never had one maybe you can relate, is like a Lucid dream. The feeling of knowing that something wrong, but it seems terribly difficult to figured out what exactly it is. Secondly, bodily functions are no more, the muscles are a heavy rock, a really fucking big rock, and the only possible muscles that seems to have any relation to your brain anymore are the ones above the shoulders, including the neck and face. So making faces, looking left and right, and speaking without words are GO. Thirdly, the room seems a bit distant, it vibrates with a atmospheric haziness, almost as if being drugged, or like those TV shows where they fade the corners of the screen to show a flashback. Lastly, hallucinations may occur. Well I don’t know if they are hallucinations, but if they aren’t well it becomes really scary from here on out, because I do not know what they are exactly and science believes that hallucinations are the closest possible answer.
(October 29.2007) I awoke to an attack, it hit me suddenly. I had pretty much woken up out of R.E.M. sleep and jumped into the attack. It tore at me as if I had died and was reaching the gates of Hell. All I know is I’m on my side looking forward. I can’t move. I can’t scream. I can only stare and think. Then it hits me, I’m not staring into empty space, and worse whatever it is I can see it’s staring back. What is it? Is it a painting or a bookbag? No. It was a man. A man holding a knife. He obviously sees me, but then notices I see him. He backs up a little, and my lips move and ask, “what do you want.” but the words only appear in my head, they never really came out. He doesn’t say anything, he simply holds back in that position that I can’t tell wether it’s crouching or standing. It’s a defensive stance though, and for some reason he doesn’t look like he is here to defend. I close my eyes hard and just start to repeat in my head, “get away. get away. stay away. get the fuck away from me.”
I have had these weird occurrences of sleep paralysis, as it’s scientifically registered, for about 5 to 6 years now. They come every now and then, but I can awake to them twice in one night, 6 times in a week, 10 in a month, sometimes I can make it happen, and then sometimes it simply occurs. The beginning of it, when I know it’s going to him me feels like the weight of deep water, in pressure, is holding your body down. Sometimes when it’s already started and it can stop on its own, but then other times I have to stop it myself. It’s not easy, and every time I think about it, it looks incredibly silly the amount of upper neck muscles I have to move and how I have to move them in order to escape the attack. I simply rock my head side to side furiously like I really really don’t want something and the head-gesture for “no” is the only language I know. If I don’t get out of it consciously I just try to go to sleep, it works very rarely though.
I will from now on keep a log of the dates and amount of attacks I get.
(November 2.2007) I had decided to sleep on my back, to test whether the attacks could be summoned easier by sleep positioning. I did this to see if I could understand them more, and possibly figure a method of controlling them. Well sleeping on your back definitely causes them. I had awoken into one with a bit of a scare and quickly got out of it. With open eyes I look around and rust my eyes again to go back to “sleep”. It immediately engulfs me before I could even fully close my eyes. Barely I am able to adjust myself and get out of it. I had sat up for minute and looked around. After understanding I was still tired I laid back down. BOOM! It hits me again! I’m going crazy because I can’t seem to escape it. So I move my neck around and escape it for a bit, but I can still feel the pressure of it hovering over me, knowing that if even for a second I lay back down I will be submersed in its unknowing. I didn’t have long, because it caught me and smothered me like all the other times before. I move my facial muscles idiotically and finally get out of it. Confused on why it’s hit me so many times I get up fully and start working on something to get my mind off of things, my homework will do. When I had finally decided I could go back and close my eyes, the only thing I noticed was that when I woke up it was 7am.
(January 14.2008) The only thing that was really frightening about this occurrence what that when it happened I had had my jaw fully open, I was unable to close it and it felt as though something was being conjured up. As if some type of spirit was entering into my body through my mouth. Not a very comfortable feeling.
(May 18.2008) This time was a first where there was a demon like-being floating above me, screaming at me. And I was able to spiritually, I guess, push it with my hands that were actually laying on my body physically, but in front of me visually. This may have been a hallucination, but hell if it isn’t the most realistic hallucination I have every had. There are never drugs involved with this, as I don’t do them. And my room has been blessed because of the past occurrences, but it seems to be something greater than that. I’m not as stressed anymore and it still happens. I have no Idea how to explain what it is because I have no idea what it triggering it.

Dates:
October 29, 2007 1 attack
November 2, 2007 4 attacks
December 4, 2007 .5 attack
December 9, 2007 1 attack
January 14, 2008 1 attack
May 18, 2008 2 attacks


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